Boundaries, Values & Principles: A Year Building Gay Community & What I’ve Learned - Part 3
What it feels like wanting to be part of it all, dating guys that then come to Pleasure Medicine... rules, guidelines and challenges...
When you lead a community you must have a set of values, principles and boundaries at the heart of it.
They constantly change and shift as the community does, but it’s essential to have for a healthy and well run space.
Your boundaries, values and principles become the North Star by which every decision is made, the way things are run and how you and your community operate.
It creates structure, safety and a container in which everybody knows the guidelines on how to be in your space. And it guides the way you show up as a leader when challenging, difficult situations arise.
I didn’t consciously have a set of values, principles and boundaries when I first started Pleasure Medicine, because I had no idea what I was creating!
Our BVPs developed over time as the community grew and as I learned what Pleasure Medicine actually is. I didn’t plan on creating community when I started it!
However, I knew pretty early on that my first set of values were kindness, care and connection. Pretty simple, but something to start with. And don’t mistake simplicity for the power a value can hold.
Most gay men are looking for more kindness and connection in their gay lives. So to sit in an opening circle and hear that this is what we lead with... ahhh, relief!
Everyone who comes to Pleasure Medicine agrees to lead with these qualities towards themselves and each other. It means seeing others through loving and positive eyes regardless of body type, age, race or background.
Personal Responsibility
A personal boundary of mine is that I am not anyone’s personal therapist or personal support network. I am not responsible for anyones physical, emotional or psychological well-being outside of Pleasure Medicine.
In the opening circle I alway say “I am a therapist, but I am not your therapist”. As adult men we all agree to hold our own stuff, our vulnerabilities, our boundaries and personal challenges.
And if someone struggles with those things, then they must seek the right help and support whether that’s a therapist, a coach, friends or family.
Pleasure Medicine is a safe space from 12:00-16:00, and I am always doing my best to create that. But safe spaces aren’t only made by the facilitator. We set the tone, lead the way and create the container of safety, for sure…
But true safe spaces require the people in it to agree to the guidelines, values, boundaries and principles. Safe spaces are created by everyone in them.
I am always learning more and more how to be the example, and lead the way. I have my training and decade experience as a therapist, I am trauma informed and constantly leaning, seeking support and getting supervision from colleagues in the same field.
I pride myself and Pleasure Medicine on comments in every closing circle like:
“Wow, thank you for such a safe space”
“I’ve never felt so safe to be myself around other gay men”
“Pleasure Medicine is genius, what a safe and beautiful space”
Non Sexual Space
Another one of our boundaries is that Pleasure Medicine is a non-sexual space. While dance and movement can evoke intimacy and sensuality which is encouraged, we are not a sex club, a dark room or a space to get sexual.
If guys meet, connect and hook up as a result of Pleasure Medicine, in their own time, then that’s wonderful! I hope they do.
But in the space itself, we are focused on connection through shared joy, dance and vulnerability.
So many gay men have used and abused sexual currency, body type and physical stats in a way that is limiting. My work is about practicing new ways of connecting that open us to more depth and shared interests in a way that is slower and steadier and actually more authentic.
Surprising friendships emerge with guys you would never usually get to know in the outside world because you don’t hang in the same circles and spaces, or you might not immediately think you have much in common.
That’s why we dedicate the first hour of Pleasure Medicine to a connection workshop full of games, practices and exercises designed to melt the masks and create space to truly get to know the person in front of you.
My Personal Longing
It’s a fascinating position to be both at the heart of Pleasure Medicine but also on the outside looking in at the same time. This is all about my own personal boundaries…
I created the thing I wanted to see in the world. I made the thing I was looking for, wanted to attend, but couldn’t find.
But, because I am the facilitator, I still don’t get to “go to Pleasure Medicine.” I can’t be a participant in that sense of being “in it” with the guys or connecting on too much of a personal level with the men that come…
My role is to guide the work. To lead the community. To hold the space.
I don’t get to “be at Pleasure Medicine” in the same way the guys are.
It’s a bittersweet feeling. I see the guys connecting, getting into pairs to answer the deep connection questions, dancing back to back in the exercises, looking into each other’s eyes and softening.
And I feel a longing to be in on it with them. A sort of gentle ache in my heart. If I was a participant I’d go to Pleasure Medicine every single time, it’s so fucking good!
There’s a huge part of me that yearns to connect in the same way. It’s why I created Pleasure Medicine... because this doesn’t really exist much out there.
But a boundary is a boundary for a reason. It creates safety: emotionally, psychologically, physically and energetically, not just for my community, each individual man, but for me too.
As facilitator, there will always be some sense of disconnection in a way. Not in a bad way or negative way. In a very essential, integral and important way. It’s what allows the space to be held properly. It’s what keeps the container safe…
And that gentle ache in my heart reminds me why I do this…
Because every time I feel it, I know I’ve created something real. Something I would choose to be part of if I could. And if the guy who built the thing would give anything to attend it as a participant... then it must be something worth showing up to.
With Love & Pleasure, Gary x
